


The Darkness Within

by disturbinglynic



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: M/M, Past Non-Con, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-10
Updated: 2012-06-10
Packaged: 2017-11-07 10:23:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/429988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disturbinglynic/pseuds/disturbinglynic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack's past is still haunting him and it is beginning to put a strain on his relationship with Daniel. Pushed past his breaking point Jack attempts to commit suicide. Will he come out of this a new man, and if he does, is he too late to fix things with Daniel?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

>   
> 
> 
>   
>  Art made by [whogate](http://whogate.livejournal.com/)

Therapy. Jack detested that word. Yet he knew that he needed something. His dreams were haunted. His every waking thought was haunted. He needed to get rid of the monsters that now festered inside of him. He knew time would help, but this was becoming debilitating. That wasn’t surprising. Years of training didn’t help a person in a situation like this. He knew it was going to take more to get him through this. He knew what he needed to do. That didn’t make him happy about it though. What was he supposed to do though? What _could_ he do in a situation like this? What could anyone do in a situation like this really?

 

What was a person supposed to do when the people you trusted more than anything, the people you trusted with your life, were the ones to destroy it? The very same friends that he had considered his family, the same friends that he had fought beside, the same friends that he had protected in battle, the same friends that had protected _him_ in battle, had held him down and raped him. Repeatedly. And had laughed and joked while they were doing it, like it was the most natural thing in the world. They had enjoyed every second of it. They had been monsters in hiding and Jack hadn’t known. He had been in the hospital for weeks after that. The physical pain was easy to deal with though. The blow to his ego, the emotional blow, that was why he was standing here today. That, and the guilt. 

 

He hadn’t reported what had happened to him. He had been too embarrassed and had still been in shock. The same guys, his former friends, had done the same thing to another man just a few months later. Jack had, of course, come forward after that, but the guilt was eating at him, at this point probably more than anything else. Well, maybe that wasn’t exactly true, but the guilt was pretty damn bad. If he had said something after it had happened, then the other soldier wouldn’t have been raped. Jack could have prevented that from happening. No matter what he did the guilt followed him around. It was like trying to roll a boulder uphill. It was like a fire that he couldn’t escape. The guilt threatened to consume him.

 

He wanted nothing more than to hide though, to crawl into bed and wish the world away, to hide under the covers and pretend that everything was fine and nothing hurt. Not exactly the way he was taught to think, but he was a changed man now. Now he was a man that was uncomfortable in crowds and went to therapy. Now he was a man who was angry and bitter. How he was a man who had issues that were going to follow him around for life. Now he was a man who thought hiding was a good idea. Now he was a man who was scared, and that was just unacceptable. 

 

His therapist called him in, and for a moment Jack considered running. What good would that do him though? Then he would just be running from this for his entire life. He needed to put this behind him. He needed to get on with his life. He needed to stop feeling so fucking guilty. It wasn’t as if he was completely wrong to not accuse his attackers. Who would believe that he had been raped by fellow soldiers, despite the damning evidence that had put him in the hospital. Women were raped, not men, or so was the view of the world. Women wanted to be equal to men, and Jack was fine with equality, but he didn’t think women would really want to be held to the same standards that men were. 

 

He sat down on the couch like a good boy, hoping that the doctor would be different than ones that he had already been to. He hoped that she wouldn’t make him feel tiny or ignorant. None of the doctors so far had seemed to take him very seriously. He supposed they thought that even if, as a man, he had gotten raped, then he should be able to get over it with no problem. This time wasn’t any different. He had to get the idiot doctor from the middle of bumfuck nowhere who didn’t know how to handle his situation and had probably never had to deal with anything more than a very serious papercut. He told her so, and maybe a little worse, and then stormed out of what was supposed to have been a therapy session. How the fuck that could pass as a therapy session was beyond him though.

 

He left the building, not bothering to set up another appointment, because there was no way that woman was going to be able to help him. He was on his own. There wasn’t anyone who was going to be able to help him. He was just going to have to figure out a way to help himself. He couldn’t trust anyone. He wasn’t sure he would ever be able to trust anyone again. How could he?

 

He went to a nearby diner and sat outside. It was beautiful out. A horrible contrast to the turmoil of emotions that he was feeling inside of himself. He watched all of the happy people around him. The lovers whispering sweet nothings to each other, the friends sharing secrets, the mothers fussing over their children, and then there he was - alone. 

 

He would probably always be alone. He was too damaged for anyone to ever want him or love him. There was too much broken inside of him, no matter how much he would like to deny it. His life had been taken from him because of these men and he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to get it back. He wasn’t sure he would ever be whole again. So there was no way anyone would love ever love him. He wasn’t even sure he loved himself right now. He was pretty sure that he didn’t.

 

So he watched all of the happy people around him but it only served to make him more bitter, more lonely, more like someone he didn’t even know anymore. This person that he was acting like now, this wasn’t him. This was the actions of a man who had been violated in the most personal way and didn’t know how to overcome it. This man had allowed another man to be raped. This man was weak. This man was a stranger. He hated this man.

 

So yeah, he didn’t love himself right now. He hated himself with such intensity that there was no way that anybody would ever want him or need him or love him. There was no way that anybody would ever take the time to try and break through his barriers. He was damaged goods. He was damaged beyond repair. He was damaged.

 

*****

Daniel wasn’t paying attention to what was on the television. He was paying attention to the man sitting next to him. He considered Jack his closest friend, despite their many differences. They got along well and worked well together. He could tell Jack anything, and he usually did. Jack could tell him anything too, and if something was bothering Jack he usually did. 

 

And then there was of course the sexual tension. He was attracted to Jack. It had taken him a while to admit that and he knew Jack was having a harder time with it, but he knew that Jack felt the same way. It was the way that Jack sometimes looked at him like he wanted to devour him. But that look was always there for just a second before Jack’s mask slipped back into place. That was too bad because Daniel really liked that look. Nobody had ever looked at him like that before. In fact, he’d never had such an easy companionship with anyone before. Not like this. 

 

Jack’s mask though. That was an issue. Daniel had thought that he had gotten past it, but he was starting to wonder. No matter how close he seemed to be getting to Jack, he felt like there was always something missing, like there was some part of Jack that he just wasn’t seeing. He hadn’t always felt like that. Lately though, with how close they had gotten and with how badly the sexual tension had gotten, he felt like there was more to Jack than met the eye, some part of Jack that he kept so buried away he wouldn’t even let Daniel see it. That was really saying something because he had seen Jack at what he had thought was Jack’s worst. And Jack’s worst was way worse than anybody else’s worst. Most people avoided Jack on those days. Not Daniel though. He stuck by Jack’s side because he was the only one to ever catch a glimpse of the real Jack. He was the only one who knew how to handle Jack. He was the only one who wanted to see Jack at his best _and_ at his worst. Except maybe now that was a joke. Maybe he didn’t know Jack at all. 

 

With a scowl Daniel focused on the television again. Maybe figuring out Jack was a lot more difficult that figuring out how ancient civilizations worked. He didn’t really want to think about it though. He hated that there might be something there that Jack didn’t want Daniel to see. He hated that there might be something else that was keeping Jack from acting on his feelings. He hated that Jack apparently didn’t trust him enough. He pushed thoughts of Jack out of his head and focused on the television as best as he could.

 

Jack had seen the scowl. He had known that Daniel was studying him, trying to figure him out. Daniel was closer to that than anyone else had ever been. He hadn’t planned for Daniel. His carefully crafted facade was starting to crumble. He was starting to let Daniel in, and that thought made him uncomfortable. He couldn’t let Daniel figure out his biggest secret or his biggest fear. He couldn’t let Daniel see the man that he was trying so hard to bury.

 

What would Daniel think of that man? Would Daniel still want him if he knew? He probably wouldn’t. Hell, Jack still didn’t even love himself. How could he let anyone else in? How could he give himself to anyone? How could he ever let Daniel see that man?

 

Daniel would start getting suspicious if he didn’t do anything soon. Daniel was already starting to get suspicious. He should just give in and have sex with Daniel. It wasn’t exactly a hardship. He couldn’t deny any longer that he was attracted to Daniel. And there was no doubt in his mind that Daniel was attracted to him. He was just afraid that if he had sex with Daniel, then the mask he had tried so hard to keep in place _would_ actually crumble. He wanted Daniel though, more than he had ever wanted anybody. That’s what made it so hard from him to go through with this.

 

He could do it though. He could have sex with Daniel and give them both what they wanted. Except he wouldn’t really be giving Daniel what he wanted. Daniel would want more than just sex. He was sure of it. Maybe if they started having sex he would be able to fool Daniel though. Maybe it would at least satisfy Daniel for a while longer so that he wouldn’t become even more suspicious about Jack and what Jack was hiding. Maybe it would satisfy Daniel long enough for Jack to figure something else out. 

 

Daniel looked over at him and smiled. Jack returned the smile but he knew that it didn’t reach his eyes. It never did. And yet Daniel kept trying. Jack could give a little. He had to give a little or he risked losing Daniel for good. He knew he was being a selfish bastard, but he just wasn’t ready to give up Daniel yet. He liked having someone to talk to and someone to hang out with. He couldn’t give Daniel everything he wanted but he couldn’t let Daniel go yet either. Jack needed him.

Daniel had felt Jack’s eyes on him, staring at him, so he had turned to smile at Jack. He hadn’t expected Jack to look so deep in thought though. Maybe Jack had caught him staring and knew that he was trying to figure him out. Jack offered him a smile though it didn’t really reach his eyes. It never did. There was something different about it though, like Jack was trying. That could be a good thing or a bad thing. Daniel wasn’t sure what to think.

 

Jack surprised him by pulling him in and kissing him. Daniel forgot everything and focused on the strong arms wrapped around him, the lips pressed against his own, and the tongue pushing into his mouth and tangling with his. Jack ran his fingers through Daniel’s hair and Daniel groaned into the kiss. He had wanted this for so long and had pictured it so many different ways. But the solid man pressed against him was so much better than any of his fantasies had ever been.

 

This was easy. Jack could do this. Kissing Daniel was nice. Kissing Daniel was more than nice. Daniel just melted in his arms. He fit into Jack’s arms like he belonged there. And Daniel was enthusiastic about kissing Jack. It would be so easy for Jack to get lost in this, to melt into Daniel the way Daniel was melting into him. He couldn’t let his guard down though. He wouldn’t. 

 

“You taste good,” he murmured against Daniel’s lips, because Daniel did. Jack wanted to devour him. Jack was doing his best to do that, actually. It kept the passion out of the kiss. He needed this to be about hunger, about both of their hungers. Passion couldn’t be a part of this. Feelings couldn’t be a part of this. This was just sex.

 

Jack broke the kiss and got off the couch, pulling Daniel with him. He dragged him into the bedroom and shoved him down on the bed. Daniel pulled his glasses off and put them on the nightstand before pulling Jack close to him and kissing him. He could easily get used to kissing Jack, and he was sure he could do it forever. 

 

Jack kissed him roughly, thrusting against him, brushing their erections together, causing both men to groan. Daniel needed to feel skin though. He tugged at Jack’s shirt until the older man broke the kiss and let him pull it over his head. They got Daniel’s shirt off too and went back to kissing. Daniel loved the feeling of Jack’s bare chest against his own. It was so different from a woman’s, but so much better because it was Jack’s. He ran his hands over the smooth skin on Jack’s back, feeling Jack’s muscles work as his body moved against Daniel’s, as his hands roamed along Daniel’s body.

 

Jack undid Daniel’s pants and pushed them down with Daniel helping him and then kicking them off. Daniel helped Jack with his pants and then they were both naked on Jack’s bed, finally. There was nothing but skin against skin. There was nothing but the feeling of Jack’s body against his own. He ran his hands over Jack’s body, touching as much bare skin as he could, causing the older man to shiver. 

 

Jack spit in his hand and began stroking Daniel. Daniel groaned and arched into Jack, wanting more than just this, knowing it probably wouldn’t happen like that this time because Daniel was sure that the whole being with a guy thing was new to both of them. It wasn’t as if Jack had ever given any indication otherwise and Daniel had never been interested in a guy before. That didn’t matter though because being with Jack felt so right.

 

Jack smeared the pre-come over Daniel’s dick, helping to ease the friction, grasping both of them in his hand and stroking them both off at the same time. Daniel tried to hold out, but he didn’t last long. He couldn’t help it. This was his first time with Jack and it was so new and it had felt so good to have Jack’s naked body on top of his and to have Jack’s hand on his dick. It didn’t matter that he didn’t last long though because neither did Jack. Jack collapsed on top of him, his breath tickling the tiny hairs near Daniel’s ear. 

 

Daniel hoped Jack wouldn’t stay on him for too long. Despite having the wonderfully warm man in his arms, Jack hadn’t really been there. There had been no passion, no love. Daniel had called out Jack’s name when he had come, but Jack had just grunted. There had just been an orgasm, and even that had only just been physical. It hadn’t even really been a release. He would have felt more relaxed and happier if it had been a release. It hurt more than he cared to admit. Being in bed with Jack had been every fantasy come to life and he thought that Jack had felt the same way. Maybe Jack was doing this just to appease Daniel because he knew that Daniel wanted this. Maybe Jack didn’t want this at all.

 

Thankfully Jack pulled away from him and got off the bed. Daniel’s eyes followed him to the bathroom, presumably where Jack was cleaning off. He wondered if Jack would bring something to clean him off too, or if Daniel was going to have to make a trip to the bathroom on his own. Thankfully Jack came out carrying a washcloth. He wiped up the mess they had made on Daniel and then took it back to the bathroom. 

 

With that done, Jack crawled into bed next to Daniel, lying there facing him, but not really close enough to touch. So now there was more distance between the two of them despite what had just happened. It was only then that Daniel realized they hadn’t even talked to each other. After a brief discussion when Daniel had gotten here, they hadn’t uttered a word since Jack had turned on the television.

 

No, that wasn’t true. Jack had told Daniel that he tasted good. Daniel wasn’t expecting Jack to go all romantic on him, but all Jack had said was that he tasted good. 

 

Daniel rolled on to his side facing away from Jack, hurt and confused. He had thought that when Jack kissed him that they were finally getting somewhere. It had been good. It had been wonderful in fact, at least until they had actually gotten naked together. He was exhausted, but he wasn’t sure he would be able to sleep.

 

Jack heard Daniel’s breathing even out and was surprised by how easily he had fallen asleep considering how upset he appeared to be. He supposed Daniel had every right to be upset. Jack hadn’t exactly helped to make the experience as good as it could have been. They had gotten off and that had really been it. He felt bad but he didn’t know how to make things better. At least not without giving too much of himself away. He just couldn’t afford to let Daniel get too close, or at least not as close as he knew Daniel would like to get. If Daniel got that close, then he would know the horrors in Jack’s past. He would look at Jack differently, and Jack didn’t want that. If things had been different he could see himself loving Daniel.

 

Things weren’t different though and Daniel didn’t know, and couldn’t know, about Jack’s past. If things were different then maybe Jack would actually be able to love. Maybe then he would be able to give Daniel everything that he wanted and more.

 

That wasn’t going to happen though. Jack wasn’t even sure that he was capable of love anymore. And that was a horribly depressing thought. Especially since the man beside him was more than he could ever hope for.

 

*****

“You’re hiding something from me.”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” It was a couple of months after their disastrous sex encounter. Daniel hadn’t been avoiding him, but he hadn’t gone out of his way to spend time with Jack either. Jack didn’t really blame him.

 

Their relationship had become strained, though neither of them acknowledged it. They went about their day like nothing was wrong, like they hadn’t been intimate, if you could call what they had done intimate. Jack had thought sleeping with Daniel would help things but all he had done was make things worse.

 

They weren’t even friends the way that they used to be. Jack had screwed up royally and he didn’t know how to fix it. He just knew that he did miss Daniel. He missed his friend. They used to talk about everything, or almost everything, and they used to be at such ease when they hung out together. All of that was gone now. This was the first time they were hanging out together outside of work since that night. And it wasn’t going well.

 

“Damn it, Jack. Quit lying to me. You’re keeping something from me. You won’t let me have all of you. If you don’t want this then you could have said something instead of having sex with me.”

 

He looked at Daniel, eyes wide, mouth agape. “I do want this.” He hadn’t realized that that was what Daniel had been thinking after they had had sex. He hadn’t meant to hurt Daniel that way. “I wouldn’t have had sex with you if I hadn’t wanted to, believe me.”

 

“Then what the hell is your problem?”

 

“There is no problem, Daniel. This is me. This is all of me.” Jack was lying through his teeth but he didn’t see any other way around it. The truth won’t set you free. The truth can only hurt the people that you care about, the people that care about you. Because no matter how Jack felt about himself, Daniel cared about him, maybe even loved him. Jack had thought that wasn’t possible, but here Daniel was, still trying to get through to him even though he was worried that Jack hadn’t actually wanted what they had done.

 

Daniel snorted. “If that’s the truth then where was the passion? You were having sex with me but you weren’t actually there with me. Why won’t you let me in?”

 

Jack growled and shoved Daniel towards the bedroom and onto the bed. “You want passion?” he asked as he practically ripped Daniel’s clothes off of him and then his own. “Then let me show you passion.” He bit Daniel’s lip hard, drawing blood. He continued the hard bites all the way down Daniel’s body, leaving bruises and sometimes even blood in his wake. 

 

Daniel didn’t complain or say no even though Jack was sure this was the type of sex that Daniel wouldn’t like. It was going to be rough. 

 

Ignoring the voice inside of his head, nagging him to be nice and to take it easy with Daniel, he spit on his fingers and pushed one into Daniel without warning. Daniel grunted but didn’t protest.

 

Pain shot through Daniel but he ignored it. He was getting more passion from Jack now than he had gotten two months ago. If it meant suffering through a little pain then he supposed he would have to deal with it. He was afraid that if he said something then Jack would act like he had the last time they were in bed together. Daniel didn’t want that. Daniel wanted _this_.

 

However, if Jack wanted rough, Daniel could give him rough. Surprising Jack, Daniel rolled them so he was on top. Treating Jack the same way Jack had treated him, Daniel spit on his fingers and was about to shove one into Jack when Jack managed to flip them again. “Not gonna happen,” Jack growled. 

 

“Fine. Have it your way then.” He knew Jack was a control freak and apparently that extended into the bedroom as well. 

 

Daniel could lie back passively, but once he pushed past the pain, it was actually quite pleasurable. There was still pain because Jack was rough, but at least it wasn’t all pain and it was a good kind of pain, and at least it was more of Jack than he had seen the last time, so he let Jack do this.

 

Jack pounded into Daniel as fast and as hard as he could. He could feel Daniel’s grip on him tighten, his fingernails digging into Jack’s skin and drawing blood. That just excited Jack even more. It was exactly what he wanted and Daniel seemed to sense that. He ran his fingers down Jack’s back, digging in and leaving a trail of blood. 

 

Jack could deal with the pain. He liked the pain. It made him feel alive, and it seemed Daniel was enjoying it as well. Jack knew why too. He was more involved this time. He was here with Daniel, or at least more so than he had been last time. 

 

Daniel came first and Jack thrust into him a few more times before coming himself. He pulled out of Daniel and rolled onto his back next to him. Neither of them spoke. 

 

He didn’t know why Daniel was still here with him. He didn’t want Daniel to leave but he didn’t want to let Daniel in either. It wasn’t fair to either of them but that was the way it had to be. 

 

He couldn’t lose Daniel though. Daniel was the only good thing in his life. Guilt ate away at him as he thought of the hurt in Daniel’s eyes from when they had been arguing earlier. He had to think of something and he had to think of it soon otherwise he was in real danger of losing Daniel.

 

He heard Daniel’s breathing even out and allowed himself to relax, eventually falling asleep. Daniel wasn’t asleep though. He had only been pretending to sleep and when he knew for sure that Jack was asleep, he stopped pretending.

 

Daniel had no doubt that Jack was hiding something but he didn’t know what. He just knew that it had to be really bad for Jack to act the way he did. Daniel could understand that. If it wasn’t something that Jack was ready to talk about then there was nothing he could do about it. Jack would talk to him when he needed to.

 

The problem was that Jack didn’t let him in at all. Like he was afraid that if he got too close to Daniel then Daniel would somehow know all of his deepest, darkest secrets. He was keeping Daniel at a distance and that was something that Daniel couldn’t understand. That was something that Daniel didn’t think he could put up with. It was like Jack was afraid of what Daniel would see, which was completely ridiculous because Daniel would love Jack no matter what.

 

When he and Jack had just been friends things had been so much easier. Daniel had fallen for that man and Jack had known that. But the second that Jack had become aware of Daniel’s feelings, Jack had changed. And Daniel couldn’t deal with that. If Jack didn’t give him something then Daniel was done. There was no point in sticking around with someone who wouldn’t let him close, with someone who couldn’t love him like he wanted to be loved. 

 

Daniel was going to have to do something about this, as much as that thought hurt. In the end though it would hurt less to break things off with Jack now than to stay in a loveless relationship.

 

*****

They were at Jack’s place again. They were sitting on the couch together. A game was on. Daniel wasn’t paying attention to it. He was paying attention to the man sitting next to him. Again. To most people Jack would look relaxed and comfortable, but Daniel knew better. Jack was tense, probably worried about relaxing too much in front of Daniel.

 

He was afraid the conversation would get them nowhere again, but he had to try. If he didn’t try then neither of them would be trying anything and it would be like they were just friends with benefits. Daniel didn’t want that and he was sure that Jack didn’t want that either.

 

Unless Jack did. Maybe that was all Jack wanted. Maybe he didn’t want the relationship with Daniel, even though he had claimed that this was what he wanted too. Except that when he thought about it, all Jack had really agreed to was that he wanted to have sex with Daniel. They hadn’t mentioned anything specific. Daniel didn’t think he could handle it if Jack just wanted sex. Daniel wanted more. Daniel needed more.

 

“Jack, we should talk.”

 

Jack turned his attention away from the TV and looked at Daniel. “About what?”

 

“You. Us.”

 

Jack snorted and turned his attention back to the television. 

 

“Jack, I’m serious. If you don’t want to tell me whatever it is you’ve been hiding from me then that’s fine, but you need to give me something. You can’t be afraid of letting me in.”

 

Jack turned back to him. “So we’re on this again are we? I thought I told you that I wasn’t hiding anything.”

 

“And I know that you’re lying. I know you better than you think, Jack. What I don’t know is what you’re hiding and why you feel the need to hide something from me. Why can’t you tell me?”

 

“Why do you keep pushing this?”

 

“Because when we’re together we’re not really together, and you know that. Why would I want to stick around if you’re going to hold yourself back from me? Why would I want to stick around if there’s no chance of you loving me?”

 

“What if I was hiding something that would make you run from me?”

 

“Wouldn’t it be better than what we’re doing now?”

 

Jack swallowed hard. “I don’t see how you leaving would be better.”

 

Daniel had to smile at that. He knew that Jack cared about him, but it was nice to hear. It was so easy to forget sometimes because of the way Jack acted around him. “Jack, do you really think I can stick around if you continue keeping me at a distance?”

 

“It doesn’t matter because there is nothing to tell. I’m not hiding anything from you.” Jack sounded exasperated now and Daniel knew this wasn’t going to end well. He had to keep pushing though.

 

“If you can’t even admit to me that there’s something you’re keeping from me then how is this supposed to work? If you say that whatever it is you’re hiding would make me run, and I’m telling you that I’m not going to be able to stick around if you keep treating me like this, then what else is there?”

 

Jack didn’t answer him. Instead, he turned his attention back to the television. Daniel shook his head in disbelief. Daniel was ready to fight for them and Jack was willing to let Daniel go even though he had said that he didn’t want Daniel to go. How was Daniel supposed to take that? “I can’t do this, Jack. I’m done.” He got up and left, slamming the door behind him. 

 

He needed to get away from Jack and he needed to face the facts. No matter how much Jack cared for him there was no way that Jack was ever going to love Daniel the way that he should be loved. There was no way that Jack was going to get past whatever it was that he was dealing with. They’d known each other for a while now and Jack had never even hinted that something bad had happened in his past. He obviously still hadn’t dealt with it, and if he hadn’t dealt with it, then there was no way he could be with Daniel. And Daniel was just going to have to accept it. 

 

He hated this though. He had thought that Jack was someone he could spend his life with. They were so unalike, but they worked so well together. Daniel had thought that that partnership would extend to their personal lives as well, and maybe it would have if Jack wasn’t so damn stubborn. This wasn’t how things were supposed to happen. This wasn’t how things were supposed to have ended up for them. They should be happy together. There should be more for them than this. But there wasn’t. And there wouldn’t be.

 

He wondered if Jack really would miss him now that he was gone. Not that they had even been spending that much time together since they had started having sex. And by sex he meant the two times they had been together. They spent less time together now than they had when they had been friends. 

 

That’s what Daniel would miss most of all. He hoped Jack would miss their friendship too, at the very least. Because if Jack didn’t miss him at all then Daniel had been more wrong about him than he had realized.

 

Daniel didn’t let the tears fall. There was no point in crying over something he had never really had.

 

*****

The door slammed shut and Jack got up and fixed himself a drink. He didn’t want to think about anything for the rest of the night. He just wanted to lose himself in the alcohol. The alcohol couldn’t take away his pain, but at least it could dull it. For a while anyway.

 

It was just a matter of time before Daniel left him. Jack had thought he could fix things by sleeping with Daniel, but he had only made things worse. And now Daniel had walked out on him because Jack wasn’t willing to give him anything. Jack wasn’t willing to budge at all. Budging a little meant showing Daniel a man that Jack was trying desperately to hide.

 

He finished his first drink and quickly fixed himself a second and immediately followed that with a third. Giving in with a sigh, he grabbed the bottle and brought it back to the couch with him. 

 

It didn’t seem to matter how much he drank though. He couldn’t escape his thoughts or his memories. They were overpowering him tonight, unsurprisingly. He was feeling guilty about his behavior towards Daniel. And his guilt about his behavior towards Daniel left the wounds from his rape open and raw. It was all there now. Images in his brain that he couldn’t escape from. A self-loathing so powerful he didn’t think he would ever be able to get over it and be happy with himself.

 

No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t seem to escape his past. Even with Daniel he couldn’t let himself go, couldn’t let himself lose control. He couldn’t allow himself to lose control of the situation. He would never lose control of a situation again. He had to be the one in control. And it was too easy to let that control slip when he was around Daniel. Way too easy. Maybe, just maybe, there was a part of him that trusted Daniel. Obviously it wasn’t enough though. He still didn’t trust Daniel enough to tell him what had happened and trust Daniel not to run from him.

 

Because he couldn’t let his past go, he had just lost the only person he had really cared about in such a long time. The only way to get Daniel back now was to get past what had happened to him, but he hadn’t figured out a way to do that yet. He didn’t think he was able to do that. He hadn’t been able to so far. Then again, he’d mostly been trying to bury that incident. Obviously that wasn’t working so well.

 

His life was a mess. He had been managing things so well and then Daniel had walked into his life. Daniel had changed everything. Daniel had torn his world apart and all the walls and masks that Jack had had so firmly in place had begun to crumble. Daniel had loved him even though he hadn’t known everything about Jack. He had loved Jack anyway and he had wanted to love all of Jack. 

 

He couldn’t live a life like this. Not anymore. Daniel had changed everything for him and there was no going back. There was no escaping his past now. If he didn’t get over his past then he would never get Daniel back. He just didn’t know how to get over his past. 

 

He tried to take another drink but he realized the bottle was empty. He managed to get to his feet and grab another bottle. He took it and wandered around his house. In every corner, in every shadow, ghosts of his past lurked and haunted him.

 

He made his way unsteadily up the stairs and to his bedroom. He didn’t want to feel anything anymore. He didn’t want to be haunted by the ghosts of his past. He didn’t want to hurt Daniel anymore. He didn’t want to hurt anymore. 

 

He could escape from his past for good. He could escape from everything for good. Who would miss him? He was just a waste of space. He was nothing. How could Daniel not see that? How could Daniel think that he was worth something? How could Daniel think that he was worth fighting for?

 

He grabbed a length of rope that he kept around and headed for the spare room, the room that he was working on. There were exposed beams in that room. It was so easy to do. He could rid himself of all this pain that he had been carrying around for so long now. 

 

It was so easy. Why hadn’t he thought of this sooner? It was the perfect plan. This was the easiest thing to do. This would make everything go away. So ridiculously easy and the thought had never crossed his mind before. How was that possible?

 

He could feel the rope squeezing his neck. He was getting lightheaded. He was suffocating. He lost consciousness, fading into the black willingly, eagerly. He would never hurt Daniel again.


	2. Chapter 2

He hadn’t even been gone from Jack’s place for two hours and the man had attempted to commit suicide. He had known that there was something that Jack had been hiding but he hadn’t known that Jack’s past had been dark enough for him to want to end his life. What could possibly be so bad that Jack had thought there was no other way?

 

Daniel hadn’t helped either. He had walked out on Jack when Jack had probably needed him the most. But how could he have known? Jack hadn’t said anything to him. Jack hadn’t asked him to stay. In fact, Jack had said nothing at all when Daniel had walked out the door. Jack had never hinted that he could have possibly needed Daniel for something so big, for something so life altering. 

 

No, Daniel couldn’t blame himself for what Jack had done. If Jack had been so desperate to escape, so close to crossing that line, then he should have trusted Daniel enough to at least hint that he needed help. He never had though. Jack had been too adamant about hiding whatever the hell it was that he had been hiding.

 

He was in the waiting room at the hospital, though he wasn’t really sure why. He had left Jack for a reason. Jack didn’t want to let him in. Jack didn’t want to tell him what was wrong. Jack wanted to keep Daniel at a distance and Daniel hadn’t been able to get through to Jack. Jack hadn’t let him.

 

Maybe now Jack would be able to talk to him though. Maybe now Jack could open up about the horrors of his past. Maybe Daniel was hoping for a miracle.

 

He just couldn’t leave Jack like this though. Despite his best judgment, he loved Jack. He cared for Jack. He would never forgive himself if he stayed away from the hospital now. He would never forgive himself if he didn’t try one more time. He wasn’t the type of person that could just leave Jack now. He would if he had to, but he at least needed to see Jack in the hospital. Jack didn’t have anyone else.

 

Someone had to be here for him. Who else was going to make sure that Jack got through this? There was nobody else at the hospital here for Jack. There was just him. Jack had worked hard to make sure that he was alone. Then he had slipped up and let Daniel in. 

 

Daniel couldn’t think of it that way though. It made it harder to be mad at Jack when he thought of it that way. He needed to be mad at Jack though. Jack had done this to himself, nobody had done this to him. Whatever had happened to Jack had been the trigger, but the rest was all Jack’s doing.

 

Daniel was at war with himself now. Part of him still hated Jack for treating Daniel the way he had, but part of Daniel still loved Jack and wanted to make sure that he was going to be okay. That part felt sorry for Jack, that Jack had been so lost, but Daniel also hated the fact that despite Jack having been so lost, he hadn’t trusted Daniel enough to talk to him. 

 

Daniel didn’t know what to think. Daniel didn’t know what to feel.

 

*****

 

Monitors beeped around him. People were in and out. He wasn’t allowed to be alone. They weren’t sure they could trust him to not try and commit suicide again. He was watched over like he was a child.

 

He wasn’t in danger of trying again though. He had reached a breaking point and he had jumped. Now though… now what? He wasn’t dead. He hadn’t wanted to live and now he was going to. He was strangely okay with that though. Except now he was going to have to try and live with not only his past, but the botched suicide. He would be stronger this time, though.

 

He had to be stronger. He had let his past dictate his present and his future and he just couldn’t do that anymore. He had lost his life before he had even attempted the suicide, and he had lost Daniel. There was nothing left to lose anymore. There was nothing left at all.

 

He would have to build his life over again, make a new one for himself. He had to get rid of his past once and for all. He would have to go to therapy sessions. He would have to find a competent therapist first, but he would do it. 

 

Daniel though, he was pretty sure there was nothing left he could do about that. He had damaged beyond repair any relationship he may have had with him. He had crossed those bridges and burned them. 

 

Even though he knew how wrong he had been with Daniel, it was now that he realized _just_ how wrong he had been with Daniel. He hadn’t told Daniel about the rape because he hadn’t wanted Daniel to look at him differently. He could have given Daniel something though. He could have talked to Daniel. He could have told Daniel that something bad had happened in his past and that he was still trying to deal with it. Then he wouldn’t have had to keep Daniel at such a distance. Then he wouldn’t have screwed things up as much as he had. 

 

He knew now that even if he couldn’t be with Daniel he had to at least try and gain Daniel’s forgiveness. He didn’t deserve it, but Daniel had a right to know. Daniel had certainly earned an apology, at the very least.

 

No, he had to tell Daniel the truth. He had to tell Daniel about the rape. It was the only way that Jack could start to make things right between the two of them, though things might never be right between the two of them again.

 

And if he could make things right between them then that would be a wonderful thing. If he could make things right between him and Daniel, then maybe Jack would be okay. Maybe this time things would be different. He would tell Daniel what had happened to him and maybe Daniel wouldn’t run away. Maybe Daniel wouldn’t look at him differently. And if Daniel didn’t look at him differently then maybe Daniel would stay by his side while Jack worked through it. 

 

Jack could get through it then, he was sure. If Daniel helped him through it, then he would be okay. Maybe Daniel would offer to go to therapy sessions with him. Maybe having someone in his life knowing what had happened would help ease his burden. 

 

It was nice to think that Daniel would stick by him. It gave him hope. It gave him hope that he could get through all of this, that this time he wouldn’t try to lose himself in alcohol. This time he wouldn’t push Daniel away. 

 

He could do this. He just needed Daniel by his side.

 

*****

 

He had been in the hospital for a few hours now. They weren’t giving him any information. He knew Jack was alive, but that was all he knew. He didn’t know how serious Jack’s injuries were. He didn’t even know if Jack was conscious or not.

 

Jack was selfish to have done this. He probably hadn’t even thought about how this would affect Daniel or anyone else in his life. He had just wanted to not deal with the pain in his life. He had only been thinking about his pain.

 

No matter what had happened to Jack in his past it was no excuse to try and end his life. Life wasn’t easy for anyone. Everyone had to suffer through shit. Jack wasn’t more special than anyone else. That wasn’t to say that Jack hadn’t been through something horrific, but lots of people in the world had been through horrific things and had survived.

 

Jack’s problems were in his past. If he had tried he could have overcome whatever it was, no matter how bad it had been. Daniel wondered if Jack had even tried to overcome it or if he had just buried it, hoping that it would go away, hoping that if he buried it far enough then the demons wouldn’t haunt him anymore. That was probably exactly what Jack had done. He buried the pain, tried to drink away the pain.

 

He wondered how many excuses Jack would make when he finally got to talk to him. He wondered if he could ever forgive Jack for what he had done.

 

Daniel let out a sigh. He probably could forgive Jack but only if Jack was willing to talk to him and let him in.

 

*****

Finally Jack was able to see someone else besides hospital staff and his doctor. He hadn’t expected it to be Daniel though. He figured Daniel wouldn’t want to talk to him anytime soon. He figured Daniel would be avoiding Jack rather than coming to see him in the hospital.

 

Jack wasn’t really surprised when Daniel ignored the chair by the bed and stood over him. Daniel was ready to explode and Jack would let him. Daniel deserved that.

 

“You’re a selfish bastard, do you know that? Did it ever occur to you how your killing yourself would affect those around you? Just because I stormed out of your place doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you. I stormed out of your place _because_ I care about you and I wasn’t getting anything from you in return. Did it ever occur to you to even try and work things out with me? Did it ever occur to you to try and talk to me? Are you so worried that I would be scared off by your past that you would push me away instead of giving me a chance? No, that’s it, isn’t it? Do you really think so little of me?”

 

Daniel shook his head and grumbled under his breath, but then he deflated and collapsed into the nearest chair, elbows resting on his knees, face buried in his hands. Jack looked away from him. He could see all of that now. He could see how his actions looked in Daniel’s eyes. He didn’t deserve Daniel’s forgiveness, but Daniel did deserve the truth.

 

With a sigh he turned back to Daniel. “Look, there’s no point in going over all of the sordid details, but I was gang-raped by people I thought were my friends.”

 

“Military buddies?” Daniel asked, looking up at Jack. There was no pity in Daniel’s eyes. Jack had been so afraid that he would see pity, or disgust, or worse. There was none of that though. Just understanding. And love. Maybe even a bit of possessiveness. There was a combination of things that Jack just couldn’t put a name to. All he knew was that he liked it.

 

“Yes.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Jack shook his head. “I’m not looking for your sympathy. I just wanted you to know. You deserved to know the truth.”

 

“I just wish you would have told me sooner. I wish you would have trusted me with this. I wish you would have known that I wouldn’t have looked at you any differently, that I still would have loved you.”

 

Jack swallowed hard a couple of times, holding back the sobs that were threatening to escape. “I know, and I really am sorry for that. I hate the man I became and I was so worried that you wouldn’t even be able to look at him.”

 

“What do you want me to say to that?”

 

“I don’t know. I’m not looking for your forgiveness, though I would like it. I know that I don’t deserve it. I just… I guess I was hoping that maybe we could try and be friends again, if that’s possible. I understand if it’s not. I was hoping though.”

 

“I don’t know, Jack. I honestly don’t know.”

 

“I know. I just need you to know that I really am sorry for everything that I put you through. You deserve better than me, that’s for sure.”

 

“But you do love me, don’t you? I mean, as best as you can and in your own way.”

 

Jack didn’t answer right away. He looked at Daniel, really looked at him. After all of this, Daniel still wanted Jack’s love. He looked worried about the answer that Jack might give him. Jack decided to tell him the truth though. It wouldn’t do either of them any good to lie to Daniel anymore. 

 

“If I’m being completely honest with myself and with you, even though I feel like it’s love and I certainly want to say that to you, I think right now I might be too screwed up to love. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t important to me, that you aren’t special to me. I do want you in my life and I think one day, once I can move past everything, that I could love you.”

 

Daniel nodded and unless Jack missed his guess, relief flooded his face as well. “I like this honesty thing, Jack. Maybe you should try it more often.” There was the hint of a smile on Daniel’s face and it gave Jack hope.

 

“I might just do that,” he replied, with a hint of a smirk.

 

Daniel leaned down and brushed a kiss to his temple. “I should go. I need time to think and I don’t think that I should be around you to do that.”

 

Jack nodded but didn’t say anything. He knew Daniel had a lot to think about, but he had hoped that Daniel would at least stay with Jack while he was in the hospital. He didn’t want to be here alone.

 

“Whatever I decide I’ll let you know, okay?”

 

Jack nodded again and watched as Daniel walked out the door. It was then that he finally let the tears fall. He hadn’t even cried after he had been raped. He had never allowed himself the luxury of crying. Maybe that had been his first mistake. The tears felt good.

 

*****

Jack was getting sick of the hospital but they weren’t ready to let him go yet. He was apparently still a danger to himself. They wanted to make sure that he wasn’t going to try and kill himself again. Still. At least they didn’t have him under constant surveillance anymore.

 

Well he wasn’t. Not when he knew that there was even the smallest possibility that Daniel would forgive him and that they could try and build a life together. 

 

On the other hand, if Daniel rejected him… well, honestly it was exactly what Jack deserved and Jack was just going to have to live with that. He didn’t know how he would live with that on top of everything else, but he would have to find a way.

 

He was alone right now though and he might be doomed to be alone forever. He had been so close to not being alone and he had screwed that up. If he was alone then it was his own fault.

 

Daniel wasn’t the only one with decisions to make. If Daniel was forgiving enough to allow Jack back into his life, then Jack was going to have to let Daniel into his. He was going to have to let Daniel help him when things got difficult and he was going to have to learn that he really could trust Daniel with anything. He had caught a glimpse of that fact that he _could_ trust Daniel right before he had tried to kill himself. He knew it was there. He knew it was possible. He knew that he had no reason not to trust Daniel, except that he had trusted the men who had raped him. So yes, the trust issue would be hard. He had become so closed off after the rape. If Daniel was willing to try though, he might be the one person that could help Jack thaw. It was possible that one day Jack might be able to love Daniel in the way that he deserved.

 

Jack was a mess, but he was sure that Daniel would be able to help him pick up the pieces. He just hoped that Daniel would give Jack the opportunity to try and change. 

 

At the same time he was so worried that he would hurt Daniel again and that maybe it would be worse this time. Obviously he would try his best to not hurt Daniel, but there was no guarantee. Jack was broken, to put it simply. 

 

He would try though. If Daniel gave him the chance, then Jack would work hard to let Daniel in. He would tell Daniel everything. He would go into every sordid detail about the rape, and if he happened to break down in front of Daniel, well then he was just going to have to learn to deal with that. He was going to have to be weak in front of Daniel in order to be strong again.

 

Things could go so horribly wrong though. But there was still hope. He realized that now. There was always hope.


	3. Epilogue

Jack’s posture was stiff. He was tense. He leg was bouncing up and down at an unbelievably fast pace. Daniel place a hand on Jack’s knee and Jack immediately stopped bouncing that leg. He looked over at Daniel. Daniel smiled at him and Jack smiled back at him.

 

It had been months since Jack’s attempted suicide. Jack should probably have gone to therapy sooner but Daniel hadn’t wanted to push too hard. As long as Jack was going to go, that was all that mattered.

 

It wasn’t as if those months had been easy. Daniel had gone through Jack’s entire house and dumped all of the alcohol and had taken anything else that Jack could use to escape reality. He had even taken all of Jack’s painkillers. 

 

Then had come the talking. Trying to get Jack talking was like pulling teeth. Getting Jack to let himself cry in front of Daniel had been even worse. 

 

Somehow they had managed though. And now here they were, waiting to go into a therapy session. Jack had come a long way since his suicide attempt, but Daniel insisted he go to therapy anyway. There was no guarantee that Jack wouldn’t slide back down if his problems weren’t taken care of by a professional. It was just too soon to consider calling Jack’s recovery a success. More needed to be done. 

 

As far as him and Jack went, they weren’t together. Not yet. They needed to rebuild their friendship. They would know when they were ready to take things further. That time wasn’t now though. They still had to focus on getting Jack better. They still had to focus on getting Jack to trust Daniel completely.

 

The doctor called Jack in and Daniel followed closely behind. He sat next to Jack on the couch and kept a hand on his. He wasn’t going to say anything. He was here to help give Jack strength, nothing more.

 

It was just the first session so they didn’t move much beyond Jack telling the doctor what had happened to him. Jack had told him the whole story in private and it wasn’t any easier to hear a second time around. It was all Daniel could do to not run out and seek out the men who had done this to Jack. It was all he could do to not put his arms around Jack in the therapy session and hold him close. Every instinct in Daniel was screaming at him to take care of Jack, and he was, just not as thoroughly as he liked. They weren’t there yet.

 

They made it through the session though and back to Jack’s house. They ordered a pizza and sat themselves down in front of the television. They ate in silence. They didn’t always need to talk. Sometimes not talking to each other was nice. Knowing that they were still comfortable enough around each other to not talk was nice.

 

Jack walked Daniel to the door after they had finished their pizza. 

 

“I’m proud of you,” he couldn’t resist telling Jack. Jack blushed but smiled at him. “I mean it. You’re doing so well, Jack.” He leaned in and kissed Jack. “Have a good night,” he whispered and then walked away. For the first time in months Daniel felt like he and Jack were really going to be okay. This whole thing was hard work but it had been worth it. He and Jack were already closer than they had been and he knew that Jack was slowly mending, and that Jack was allowing himself to love and be loved. The hard work was definitely worth it. Their future, as rough as it may be since Jack would probably always have issues, was going to be a good one.

 

Jack walked to his bedroom in a daze. The past months had been so hard for him. He let Daniel see parts of him that nobody ever had before. He let Daniel see all of him. If that kiss was anything to go by though then it had all been worth it. He had been right to hope. And he still had hope. Hope that now that he and Daniel were fixing things between them, Jack wouldn’t find a way to screw it up so completely again. Hope that Daniel wouldn’t realize some day that he didn’t want to be with Jack. Hope for a happy future for the two of them. He had hope.


End file.
